


Sorry, My Fault

by TheNerdCommander



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Bad Jokes, Gen, One Shot, Suvi mention, science jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 03:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19862740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNerdCommander/pseuds/TheNerdCommander
Summary: SAM is still really bad at telling jokes.





	Sorry, My Fault

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to BronzeAgeLove for beta reading :)

“What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?”

The hologram flickered over the desk beside Ryder, patiently awaiting acknowledgement. Valor had been sitting with his nose in his terminal for some time, checking messages in awkward silence, fingers tapping lightly on the surface in front of him, chin rested in his left hand. Abnormal behavior. Too quiet. Too lacking in energy. Normally he was a very upbeat and energetic individual. Given the circumstances - with all the excitement dying down from the defeat of the Archon merely weeks ago - SAM could only deduce that the Pathfinder needed a distraction of some sort. Whatever message was holding him captive was sucking the life right out of him.

A brief yet awkward pause passed and still no response but a quick sideways glance. Ryder hadn’t really been listening. Or maybe SAM had been wrong and misconstrued concentration for boredom. He decided it best to go ahead and follow up just in case, synthesized voice as terrible for delivering punchlines as ever.

“Pull down its genes.”

Ryder nearly choked. Over a year since they started working on it, and SAM’s sense of humor was still just as bad as it was before Meridian. No surprise there, but he wouldn’t have ever expected  _ that _ kind of humor from his artificial friend.

“Dammit, SAM.”

“Would you prefer a joke about potassium?”

He finally turned away from his terminal for the first time in hours and gave the hologram a hard stare. SAM couldn’t see him, but that didn’t matter. SAM was in his head. He would know just how heavy Ryder was scrutinizing him.

“Only if it’s better than that last one.”

“...K.”

Valor blinked incredulously at his partner AI. Somehow his jokes were worse than before. Someone had to be teaching him this stuff. There was absolutely no way he was coming up with it on his own. This was betrayal. Cold, calculated betrayal. Whoever did this was definitely getting an earful later.

“ _ SAM _ .”

“Yes, pathfinder?”

“ _ No _ .”

“I am sorry, Ryder. I had to make all these bad jokes because the good ones Argon.”

Peebee did this, didn’t she? Teaching SAM all these terrible science jokes sounded like a very Peebee thing to do. A very Drack thing to do too. Or a Liam thing. Maybe Jaal or Vetra were also capable of such treachery as this? Anybody on the Tempest could have done it...or... _ GASP! _ Maybe...maybe it was Suvi. It had to have been Suvi. She was quite the shifty one. Always sitting up in the cockpit of the ship doing science and things. Talking to notebooks. Leaving her magnetic coffee cup hanging sideways in random places. Exactly the type of person to teach SAM these awful, awful jokes. He would have his revenge. He swore it. Maybe he’d teach Kallo a few of his own bad jokes to recite to her, see how she liked it. That’d teach her.

“All the good jokes Argon alright. Who taught these to you?”

A pause.

“I have been instructed not to divulge that information.”

Ryder groaned. “Did they at least teach you any good jokes? Any at all? Please tell me they did.”

“That would depend on how you define a ‘good joke.’”

“Just figure one out and hit me with it. Can’t be any worse than the ones you’ve already told.”

“A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, ‘No, I am travelling light.’”

“Nope. That one’s bad too. Try again.”

“One tectonic plate bumped into another and said ‘Sorry, my fault.’”

“Ehhhhh. One more try. I have faith in you.”

“Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, ‘I think I’ll have an H2O.’ The second one says, ‘I think I’ll have an H2O too.’ --and he died.”

Never had Ryder ever facepalmed so hard in his life. The jokes somehow weren’t getting any better. Maybe it wasn’t Suvi after all. She would have at  _ least _ given him  _ one _ good joke, right? Right? Please let him be right.

“SAM, could you tell me who taught you these jokes if I said ‘please?’”

“Perhaps.”

“...alright.” His hand slid from over his eyes down to his chin. “Please tell me who taught you your jokes.”

A faint flicker.

“Lieutenant Harper.”

Well. That...that was unexpected.

“Oh-”

Dammit. Now he couldn’t teach bad jokes to Kallo. Or he could, but he’d have to apologize to Suvi for it. Actually, he may have to apologize to Suvi anyway for believing she would ever betray him like this. He should’ve guessed it was Cora. No one knew how to get under his skin quite like his girlfriend.

“Could you call her here, SAM? I want to-”

The doors to his quarters opened with a  _ whoosh _ . In the doorway was one Cora Harper. “SAM said you wanted to see me?”

More awkward silence. Valor looked from SAM to Cora. Back to SAM. Back to Cora.

“That was fast.”

“I asked her to come to your quarters the first time you asked who I learned the jokes from,” SAM confessed.

“That’s what this is about?”

“Look. Cora. I love you, but those jokes were  _ really bad _ .”

Cora smiled, a nearly inaudible breathy laugh escaping her lips. “Good thing they weren’t  _ my _ jokes then. I got them from Suvi.”

Valor slammed his hand down on the desk. “I knew it! God dammit! Where’s Kallo? I’m going to make sure she hears a few of my own.”

She laughed. “I figured with all the work piling up you’d appreciate some humor. Told SAM to tell you a couple if you got bored.” For a split second, she glanced away from Ryder to look at SAM. “Though I could’ve sworn I gave him one or two pretty good ones.”

“If you would like, I can attempt to formulate a new joke that you might find satisfactory,” SAM interjected.

She stepped further into the room and closer to the pathfinder. “Can’t hurt.”

“Oh no.” Ryder physically braced himself in his chair.

“What would happen if the asari switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?”

He sighed. “I don’t know, SAM. What  _ would _ happen if the asari switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?”

“There would be mass confusion.”

Cora’s eyebrows scrunched and she reached down to rub Valor’s back as his forehead hit his desk with a loud thud. His shoulders heaved with laughter at how ridiculous it all was. Teasing an AI over its poor sense of humor was infinitely better than going through all the emails from Tann and Addison.

“They sounded so much better when I was the one telling them,” she said.

“Is that so?” Ryder looked to her, one brow arched. “I’d like to hear it for myself.”

“Later.” She leaned down, gave him a quick peck on the cheek, then headed back toward the door. “I’ve got to finish filing reports. Then I can tell you all the horrible jokes you want.”

He watched her walk out the door, and silence fell over his quarters again. Long, boring silence. He sighed and turned back to his terminal. To the many, many lengthy emails.

Suvi’s voice chimed from over the Tempest coms. “Just so you know, I got those jokes from your sister.”

A blank stare at the screen. His fist raised and shook in the air.

“EOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

**Author's Note:**

> And with that, one Eola Arabella Ryder was never heard from again.


End file.
